but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
