I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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