the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
