Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
