I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
