if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
