perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
