i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
