Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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