you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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