do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
