life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
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