I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
