Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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