dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
