i already hear my dad disowning me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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