captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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