id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
