You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
