I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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