i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
