2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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