I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
