Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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