What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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