i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
