I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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