first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
