Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
