If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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