as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
