I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
