my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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