how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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