look no pants
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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