I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
