Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
