I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
