a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
