how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
