fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
