Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
