a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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