I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
