I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
