I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
