I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
