I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
