Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
