there's paper in my vomit.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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