She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
