My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
