Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
