When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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