You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
