I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
