he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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